I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
