im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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