dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
