After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
