My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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