i was born a porn star she said
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
