corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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