Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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