You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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