I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
