The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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