I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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