Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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