I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
