tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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