I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This is my gift to your gina
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
