If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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