capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
