Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
