Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
