I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
