Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
