So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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