Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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