You made me cry and you don't even care
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
