god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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