I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
