I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
