woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
