chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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