So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
