Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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