Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
