Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
