That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
