I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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