it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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