Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize