um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
