Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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