Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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