swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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