Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
