If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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