He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
