It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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