this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
