she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
