just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
