Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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