How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
