anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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