i'm signing you up for texting rehab
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
