She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
